Darlings. I’ve abandoned you. But there is a reason for this, quite a sensible one, I’m sure you’ll agree. I decided that to fully live up to my moniker of Ms Shelebridee I had to start acting more like one. I was inspired. And it’s all Mariah Carey’s fault.

I realised that to be a real star I must stop – absolutely stop – actually doing anything at all. Just like her. I wanted an entourage. Entourage equals power, and that, darlings, is something that’s been severely lacking in Ms Shelebridee’s life for a while now. I wanted to be my own very mini-Mariah, right here in my own little corner of West London.

But it didn’t work. It was the tooth-brushing that did it.

I had recruited Gay Boy Number One as my assistant in this noble aim. Ms Shelebridee couldn’t quite afford any new staff, but luckily he thought this would be fantastic fun. So he carried me down the stairs at The Cow in Notting Hill which got us a few raised eyebrows, and he spoke on my behalf during a shopping trip down Sloane Street, while insisting no-one actually look me in the eye. GBNO even guided me around Waitrose and carried all my shopping home, but when I broached the subject of tooth-brushing, the Tiffany rattle was thrown out of the designer buggy.

No matter how much I stamped my feet and tossed my professionally blow-dried hair GBNO refused to brush my teeth for me. Even after I told him that Mariah Carey probably had her teeth brushed, he wouldn’t budge. While he said he’d brush Mariah’s teeth – mine, apparently, aren’t quite the same thing.

Truly, truly hurt I was. I even managed to ruin my new blow-dry. GBNO and I haven’t rowed like that since I said the Sticky and Sweet tour was boring. But true stardom is dependent on such frivolity. If he wouldn’t brush my teeth then the whole noble project had to be sent straight to the recycling bin. Mariah just wouldn’t approve if we tried to do this by halves. Sigh. Maybe in my next life I can develop a true entourage, without having to put up with Gay Boy Number One’s petulance. And if thinks he’s going to be my plus one to the Strictly Final, he’s got another thing coming.

Tags: mariah carey, ms shelebridee, teeth